When I re-entered the dating game just over three months ago, my single biggest fear was, "How will I find anyone who wants to date me?" After three months of questionable first dates with frogs from all across the land, I've learned that contrary to popular belief, there is not a worldwide frog shortage. Finding frogs to date isn't the problem. But if you are a princess secretly harboring a romantic notion that true love is out there waiting to be found . . . well . . . I've learned that it helps to have a few simple rules in place. Thus, allow me to share Princess D's Nine Commandments for Kissing Frogs:
1. Thou shalt not kiss unemployed frogs. However, kissing an unemployed frog is a forgivable sin if the frog is between jobs or really good looking. If the frog needs to borrow rent money, run for your life.
2. What thou shalt never, ever, ever, ever do is kiss frogs at work. I'll acknowledge that this commandment doesn't apply to everyone. Some people who are normal can smooch frogs they work with and still behave like professionals. I am not one of these people. If I kiss a frog who I happen to work with, I will act like a jackass at work from that day forward. Even if that frog transforms into a prince and we live happily ever after, our working relationship is pretty much doomed.
3. Thou shalt not date frogs who don't meet the minimum height requirements. I know there may be a perfectly delightful, petite soul mate out there just waiting for me. Unfortunately, I will never meet this frog, because I have enough problems with my own self-esteem and size without towering over some little munchkin-frog. Frogs who are less than 68 inches tall need not apply. Frogs who are 71 inches or taller will receive preferred processing. Also, as a best practice, there should not be a differential of greater than 5 inches between a frog's waist size and inseam.
4. Thou shalt keep an open mind. Obviously, some of us are not expert frog-pickers, or we wouldn't be in our mid-30's, single, and kissing a bunch of frogs, would we? That bit of wisdom has been brought to you by the Elf-Therapist, who has encouraged me to "consider dating a numbers game". This commandment means that I don't automatically reject any frog right out of the gate - even if my gut is sending strong signals to the contrary - and what you'll soon learn is that this commandment is the cause my most recent trouble. Also known as Frog #5.
5. Thou shalt be polite, unless seriously provoked. Dating is hard - no matter if you're a princess or a frog. While I may satirize my dates, this is therapeutic for me. When I can make something ridiculous, I can laugh at it, and some days, laughter is the only thing keeping me in the game. But I do believe in being polite and kind to any and all frogs I meet, and this guiding principle is one that is non-negotiable. But if a frog does me wrong, well . . . all bets are off. This commandment used to read, "thou shalt be polite under any and all circumstances" but then I met Frog #5 and found the exception to prove the rule.
6. Frogs who cannot fit their emotional baggage into the overhead compartment are automatically disqualified. At my age, unless I start dating high school boys - which is a felony, I believe - it's a given that every frog comes with a history. I have my history and both God and the Elf-Therapist know that I have my share of baggage. In fact, I probably have enough baggage for a family of four, so it's a little unfair that I'm holding the frogs to a different standard, but it's a simple geometry problem. There is only so much room and my baggage is taking up most of it. Sorry, frogs. But if you show up with a video gaming addiction, chemical dependency problems, baby-mama drama, financial woes, and a conspiracy theory . . . just hop on outta here. Please.
7. Tadpoles are strictly forbidden. It's not that I don't like children. But I don't like them enough to desire any of my own (shudder, shudder). I will not date any frogs who have children under 18 years of age, and I will not date any frogs who have a strong desire to go forth and multiply.
8. Sense of humor required. It's not that I am a one-woman comedy show in need of an audience. But frogs need to be able to laugh and they need to be able to make me laugh. Because the choices here are laughter or tears. Yeah, I picked laughter, too.
9. Thou shalt not tolerate frogs who can't accept us as we are. I am a princess but I am a work in progress. I need a patient frog. After 14 years of dating Mr. Wrong, I have developed some bad habits and I have some weird ideas about stuff that all needs to be "unlearned". With my own hard work and the support of the Elf-Therapist, I am really proud of all the progress I've made already and I am excited to be on this journey of self-improvement. But I need a frog who can appreciate me for who and where I am today and who can be excited about watching me try to reach my potential. And by the way, I'll return the favor.
My frog-kissing commandments aren't written in stone, and most of them are the result of learning a life lesson the hard way. And like any good commandment, I am confident that I'll break at least one of them at least one more time.
By following my own commandments for frog-kissing, I just might find that prince after all. And when I do, I plan to stop kissing any frogs from that point forward while I dedicate my energies to kissing my prince as much as possible. And this princess? Well, she isn't going to kiss and tell where her prince is concerned.
© 2010 Princess D
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