My 16 loyal fans have noticed that it's been a while since I've had anything to say about princesses, frogs, and kissing. In fact, the entire month of April has come and gone with nary a posting from our heroine. My last update is an ode to Old Dutch potato chips and my 12 year old couch. And I'm not going to lie to you. I've received some feedback from some of you, urging me to get back out there and extract my revenge on the frog community by puckering up and smooching any and every hopping amphibian I encounter. While I know some of you genuinely want me to write my fairytale ending, I'm smart enough to know that the key motivator for most of you is that you're looking for a good laugh . . . and who am I to disappoint?
So . . . it's true confession time. I've been a little preoccupied. My life became what I can only describe as a confluence of crazy. It all started with my first good date with a high potential frog. It was fun, it was awkward, it was ridiculous - and I thought to myself, "Self," I thought, "another date with this frog surely wouldn't suck!"
In true Princess form, I immediately ran to the Elf-Therapist to share my good news. While he was pleased that I managed to follow most of the dating ground rules we'd agreed to, his overall response lacked the levels of enthusiasm I felt the occasion demanded. In fact, he said very little and instead, handed me a book about relationships for dummies and suggested I put it at the top of my reading list. His actual comment was, "A little less Bridget Jones and a little more remedial relationships 101 are clearly in order."
I had some choice words for the Elf-Therapist and I promptly threw his book into the backseat of my car, where it sat collecting dog hair and dust for several weeks, until I had a doctor's appointment. Prior experience has taught me that the scheduled appointment time means very little in the health care community. God forbid I show up late, but the clinic has no qualms about leaving me waiting for 90 minutes without even a nine year old People magazine in sight. When I parked my car at the clinic, I panicked, realizing I'd forgotten to bring any suitable reading material, which prompted a frantic search of the car for magazines, books, work memo's or anything to keep my mind occupied. I found "Relationships for Morons" under the passenger seat and brought it in with me.
As I sat waiting for the doctor to prescribe something to ease my high blood pressure woes, I read the book's introduction and first chapter, "The Smart Single". Sadly, I only met the latter half of the criteria (single) and failed to demonstrate any signs of intelligent life (smarts). I know this because the chapter concludes with a quiz called, "Are you ready for a relationship?" that consists of 16 yes/no questions that go a little something like this:
Q1: You're getting on with your own life. It would be nice if you met someone, but in the meantime, it's not stopping you from moving forward.
Princess's Answer 1: Can you repeat the question? How do I know if I'm moving forward? What are the metrics? Oh, hell. Let's just say yes.
Q2: You've got lots of friends- both male and female.
Princess's Answer 2: I assume that "lots" means that I need more than one hand to count them. In which case, uh . . . no.
Q3: You're happy at work (or at least making plans to get to the point where you will be).
Princess's Answer 3: I don't want to talk about it. At all. I plead the 5th.
Q4: You've accepted responsibility for your own happiness.
Princess's Answer 4: Although my favorite saying is, "It's not my fault", I guess I can answer this one in the affirmative. Yeah. Why not?
Q5: You've set financial, emotional, and intellectual goals.
Princess's Answer 5: What the hell does this have to do with the price of tea in China? No, maybe, and yes. In that order.
Q6: You're pretty happy with who you are.
Princess' Answer 6: As compared to what? What's the rating scale? Because I might like to be Cindy Crawford for a couple of days.
Q7: Your self-esteem is in pretty good shape.
Princess's Answer 7: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Q8: You're not afraid to take risks, make decisions and live with the consequences.
Princess's Answer 8: I have an irrational fear of birds and my own basement. Do you really think I'm running around embracing risk?
Q9: You're well and truly over your exes. You've left the emotional baggage behind.
Princess's Answer 9: Thank God. I got this one right. Yes!
Q10: You feel in charge of your life.
Princess's Answer 10: See answer #7 and repeat.
Q11: You listen to the advice others give you but ultimately make up your own mind.
Princess's Answer 11: Is there a way to stop the unsolicited advice? I know my singledom is like a form of social leprosy, but seriously. What do I need to do to get you people to shut up? Not you, Elf-Therapist. I listen to everything you say.
Q12: You've discovered lots of positive things about being single.
Princess's Answer 12: It's pretty nice to have sole control of the remote. And not have someone snoring and farting in my bed at night. Is that what you were driving at?
Q13: You aren't in any great hurry to find Mr. Right. A relationship isn't the goal of your life but an added bonus.
Princess's Answer 13: Read my blog and then you tell me.
Q14: You don't just want a partner. You want the right partner for the real you.
Princess's Answer 14: Is this a trick question? Who the heck wants the wrong partner?
Q15: You don't just want them to love you, you want them to love you for who you really are.
Princess's Answer 15: Didn't you just ask me this question?
Q16: You're confident enough to be yourself. If being you doesn't appeal to someone, you're intelligent enough to know it wouldn't have worked anyway.
Princess's Answer 16: My personal theory is that anyone who doesn't find me appealing must not like girls. Is that wrong?
By the time the doctor showed up in the exam room, I was 30 pages into this book and hyperventilating. I've been a straight-A student for most of my life but I failed the relationship quiz with fervor. And I suddenly understood what that sneaky elf bastard was trying to prove.
In spite of the thousands of dollars spent on my own mental health in the prior 10 months, my journey wasn't over yet. I hadn't really earned my tiara - I still had a lot of work to do on myself before I could emerge as the princess I want to be.
The universe gives us signs every day. Some are very subtle. If you miss the subtle signs, sometimes the universe gets impatient and lobs a brick at your head. That's what happened to me. When I recovered from the concussion, I realized that all signs were pointing towards making some big changes. And that, my friends, is what I've been up to. Watch this space for more!
© 2010 Princess D
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